Too Long

Coffee was awhile ago. It wasn't bad. We seemed to have a few things in common, including an interest in rocks. What are the odds? We've been friendly around the office, but nothing further. Some of the other people have been nice. I've gone to a few group lunches so far, but I'm not a big group talker, so it felt more awkward than good.

My mom fell off the wagon at day 7. Strangely, she's cut way back, but still goes through a half a bottle a night. She attempts to do some normal things, but I don't know how long that will last.

Been pretty solitary lately. Haven't been quite as depressed, but more a mellowed blah. At least I haven't thought about knives, bridges, or ropes lately.

A Friend?

My new job started today. Along with the change in location came a change in people. Yes, I know that one was a given, but I don't just mean the actual people. I mean the type of people. Here, they are actually friendly. A woman came up to me today and introduced herself. Said quite firmly that she doesn't believe in office romances, but doesn't see why employees shouldn't get to know each other. So we're having coffee on Friday.

Turns out my grandmother doesn't have cancer. My mom promised to stop drinking if it wasn't cancer. So far, she's 1 day sober. We'll see how long it lasts.

I'm only out $200 now. Kinda weird how the world works sometimes.

Coffee? Friday? Am I really ready for an actual friend?

Twisted?

I contacted the old dude with dentures. His move.

I'm missing $300 cash from my hiding spot.

My old job ends tomorrow, but the company found more money. I'm moving up.

A cute girl winked at me as I was walking home today.

Funny how the liquor cabinet has been completely restocked...

Happiness Never Lasts

I've decided to stop trying. Every time I find a reason to be happy, life snatches it away. Yesterday, I began talking to two very different, but very interesting people. One was in person, and the other was from this dating site I joined. I got a message from this girl saying that she thought my profile was interesting and she wanted to talk to me more. We talked for a couple hours online after that, and we really seemed to hit it off. We both admitted we were shy people, but couldn't really believe that we talked this much. Today, I tried to talk to her, and she said that we had nothing in common and that she didn't want to talk to me ever again. So I get my first flirt with a girl, and then get knocked down 3 pegs or so.

The other encounter was with a guy from work. This guy came up to me yesterday and said that he had always noticed me, but never thought to say anything as inter-office relationships were usually discouraged. Now, since I'm leaving, he thought it would be nice to get to know me. We made a "date" for Sunday night after work. Today I come into work excited that two people have taken an interest in me within one day, and I find this guy in a hardcore make out session with the blond from 2 cubicles down from me. So much for actually being into me...

I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue looking. It sounds bitchy, I'll admit, to keep complaining that I haven't found a good relationship yet. But dammit, if everyone in this fucking world could be a little more honest about everything, life would be so much easier on all of us. I could shoot myself for ever getting my hopes up. Maybe my days are more numbered than I thought...

Rejection

The dark cloud that has sunk over my life has brought mainly rejection. I can't find friends in real life. I can't find a date on dating websites. I can't even give it away on a sex site. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I so repulsive that no one would even feign interest? I thought the dark brooder was supposed to be sexy. I think I'm reasonably attractive. 5'11, 165 lbs, 32 in waist, dark hair, gray-brown eyes. Guess I'm just meant to be alone.

I looked into joining the Army before college. I was even rejected there. Now though, that might be a good thing.

Thinking back, I've only been hit on one time. It was at work, and I was standing around, trying to look busy. A guy came up to me and started asking me some questions, winked at me a few times, even touched my arm in that subtle way like he wanted something more than surface conversation. At the time, I was too shocked to do anything. Looking back, I wonder what would have happened...I'm still waiting for a girl to blatantly hit on me.

In case you couldn't tell, I really don't care who the other person is. I try not to see the world in black and white. So long as you're honest and reasonably attractive (I have relatively low standards when it comes to attractiveness), you pretty much have a shot with me.

The married man keeps stalking me. I still don't do dentures. It kind of felt good to be the one to do the rejecting, but not good enough to understand why it keeps happening to me.

Happiness?

My grandmother is dying. Not imminently, nor the slow march towards death that we all partake in. She's just dying. She has heart problems. They came up suddenly, and they only got worse. The doctors put her on all kinds of drugs, including anti-anxiety meds, which have done nothing but destroy her spirit. Her words are still strong, but the fire is gone from her eyes. It could be cancer.

My job is ending. The company has no funding left to keep my position. I have 1 week left. So much for the steady paycheck.

On another note, I was propositioned for sex yesterday. Normally, this would be a good thing. However, this time it was by a married couple. Not the worst thing in the world still, until they turned out to be in their 60s. I don't do dentures.

The Truth, or Something Like It

Well I guess you want details. I'm 24. That should say enough about me. You already know I just graduated from college. Bet you're wondering why it took me so long. Well it didn't. I graduated on time, just started late. Can't quite remember why now, something about an institution...don't believe me? Sue me.

Anyways, I graduated. Shouldn't matter with what, as I won't end up using it anyways. I'm not currently. The future is the same as the past. Damn fate and the shit hand it dealt me.

That's enough of that. The present sucks as I said. One drowns in whiskey, while the other ignores it and is rarely home. Fun shit to come home to. Put them together in public, they're the perfect pair. In private, they couldn't be any different. I've got one or two scars to prove it. That's for another time though.

One of the only family members I've ever been close to has been in and out of hospitals so much recently that they're going to name a new wing after her. Another is throwing his life away with a woman who robs him blind at every turn, but can't see beyond her big boobs or open legs. The third could get the only happiness destined for my genetic matches if she would only commit. Even that's too hard for her though.

On the upside, if you could call it that, no one's dead or freshly wounded, and I still have a paycheck.

Not a Happy Story...

I hope you're not looking for a happy story. God knows I could use one right about now, but as I don't believe in Him, I don't see one in my near future. There are too many happy stories out right now. They sicken me sometimes. The guy always gets the girl, the hero always wins, good over evil and all that BS. Where the hell is real life? They try to show it in the gritty teenage angst books where everyone is always so whiny cause their life is so hard. Big f'ing deal. Try real life. Try a story where the main character doesn't have movie star looks, or the potential to be rich or famous. This isn't meant to be a boo hoo pity me type of crap. This is just how it is. So, where do I begin?

Life has never been easy. I'm sure you know that. You're life can't have been a walk in the park. If it was, screw off and don't talk to me. Go live your happy little life in la-la land.

Now, after college, life seems to really blow. I'm stuck in a job with little chance of advancement in my own company. So here I am, making minimum wage, stuck with my parents in a living hell. Could life get any shittier?

I'm sure it will. After all, I have some time to live yet. Well, I suppose I have some time yet. After all, the world could end tomorrow and we'd all be none the wiser. I say bring it on. Yet, as there's a good chance that won't happen, perhaps my own world should end sooner than later. We shall see how the future progresses.

As I said, this isn't supposed to be a sob story for me. I'm not looking for your pity. Too many people walk around wanting and giving pity out like it's free money or some shit. Take this for what it is, and be grateful. I'm not out to prove anything, nor out to have someone "save me from myself". I've dug my own hole, and I'll either find a way out, or I'll lay down and die.

So, you think you're still interested in what I have to say? Then read on. If not, put this down and go screw yourself. I didn't like you anyways.

A New Beginning

For some time now, I've been thinking of putting pen to paper to write. Some of you have seen earlier attempts at writing fantasy, sci-fi, or even murder mystery. Yet for some reason, none of these ideas have ever come to fruition. Lately, I've been going through some rougher times in my life, yet through them all, a story has been itching the back of my brain. Now, this story will be based on truth somewhat. Many details will be changed, exaggerated, downplayed, and all names will most certainly be changed. I will welcome comments to it throughout the process. I'm really not sure how far I'll even get. CAUTION: This story will not be a feel good pick-me-up sort of thing. It's going to be downright depressing sometimes. Do not look at this as a self-confession, a cry for help, or anything of that nature. Believe me, I'm not that interesting, so I'm really stretching far from the truth on some details. However, once we've taken the plunge into the story, you're just going to have to go with it. I'll answer questions if I can, so feel free to ask me. Also, if you'd like, share with your friends. I'll start writing later on today...